FACADE STAGEPLAY Sat Sep 03 14 11 05 2022 TRIP Where are the new wine glasses? GRACE What for? TRIP That should be obvious! GRACE Oh God, Trip, don't turn this into a big production, please! -- (interrupted) (Gonzalo knocks on the front door.) (Gonzalo knocks on the front door.) (Gonzalo knocks on the front door.) TRIP Oh, he's here! GRACE What?! You told me it'd be an hour from now! TRIP No, he's right on time! GRACE God... Trip! (Trip opens the front door.) TRIP Gonzalo!! TRIP Hey! God it's been so long since we've seen you! How are you doing, man? -- (interrupted) GONZALO yes TRIP Yeah! TRIP Wow, it's really really great to see -- (interrupted) TRIP Well GRACE No, no, here we are! GRACE Gonzalo, GRACE Hi! How are you? Oh god it's been such a long time! GONZALO whats up GRACE Oh we're good, we're good... um... Yes! -- (interrupted) GRACE So come on in, make yourself at home! TRIP Huh, I'll close the door. (Trip closes the front door.) GRACE So, Gonzalo, I'm hoping -- (interrupted) GONZALO i require the fluids PHONE ** RING ** TRIP Oh, I'll get it -- GRACE No, no, we have a guest, we can let the answering machine pick it up. PHONE ** RING ** TRIP Grace, no, I want -- GRACE Trip, please dear, don't be rude. GRACE It's probably just the cleaning service cancelling on us again, it's so hard to find good help these days. PHONE ** RING ** GONZALO i request the beverages GRACE What? Wait, wait, let's just wait for the answering machine... -- (interrupted) PHONE ** RING ** GONZALO drinks TRIP Oh, yeah, I'm gonna fix us some drinks in a sec! ANSWERING MACHINE ** click ** ANSWERING MACHINE You've reached the fabulous new home of Grace and Trip. Leave us a message! TRIP Ah, you'll be the first to sample from my new set of imported drinking glasses. ANSWERING MACHINE ** beep ** ANSWERING MACHINE Grace, this is your father, I thought I'd call to see how my lovely daughter is doing. TRIP Well, Grace's parents... They're something else, really classy people -- GRACE Uhh, no, they're impossible, they're always expecting me to act like the dutiful daughter, it's so annoying. ANSWERING MACHINE I want you and Trip to come up to the house this weekend, your mother and I are throwing a party for a senior VP at the firm, and you should be there. GONZALO oh my god its mario GRACE Oh, ha ha ha, God, let's not talk about my parents... we've heard enough from them tonight. -- (interrupted) ANSWERING MACHINE Oh, and be sure to arrive early, I want to talk to you about this business about why you won't be attending your mother's Christmas Eve gala. TRIP So! Drinks! TRIP How about a martini? ANSWERING MACHINE (clear throat) So, that's all. Uh, goodbye. TRIP The guy I play squash with introduced me to this drink, it's really amazing. -- (interrupted) GONZALO you gotta go to gamestop TRIP Uh, well, you know what, I'm just going to make you a martini. GRACE No no, GRACE Gonzalo, maybe you'd like some juice, or a mineral water? TRIP What...? GONZALO ill have a cosmo TRIP Oh yeah, that's even better! TRIP Okay! Good! I'll just whip up these bad boys real quick! GRACE (little sigh) I sometimes wonder if Trip spends so much time fixing drinks to avoid having real conversation with the guests. TRIP (quiet humming) GONZALO i mean what is there to discuss TRIP I think tonight Grace is ready to venture beyond her usual glass of Chardonnay and join us in a real -- (interrupted) TRIP Uh, yeah, I -- I was just going to ask Grace what she wants. (GONZALO picks up the brass bull.) TRIP Oh, that brass bull, that's a gift from my business contact in Barcelona -- GRACE What is that doing out here? Didn't I ask you to put that away? TRIP Uh, yeah, I will, later, after our friend leaves. -- (interrupted) GONZALO spunch bop TRIP um... GRACE As for my drink... GRACE (little sigh) Um... yeah, I'll have the same. (GONZALO puts down the brass bull.) TRIP Oh! Good. Okay. GRACE (big sigh) GRACE Gonzalo, you're not enjoying this are you? TRIP What? TRIP Here you go Grace, you get to be the first to drink. GRACE (little sigh) TRIP Anyway... TRIP Grace, come on, it's not helping things for you to say that... GRACE Trip, it's okay if we disagree in front of -- (interrupted) GONZALO i mean the music is weird but TRIP N -- no, no, and we're, we're, uh -- we're not disagreeing. (GONZALO picks up a player's drink.) TRIP Here we are... hope you like it! (GONZALO sips his player's drink.) TRIP Huh, y -- you two are really getting along well tonight... (GONZALO sips his player's drink.) TRIP Gonzalo, I -- I want you to look at this photo from our recent trip to Italy... -- (interrupted) GONZALO mmmh yes GRACE Oh yes, heh, go look at Trip's Italy photo... GONZALO the good shit GRACE Gonzalo, come over here and sit on the couch with me. -- (interrupted) (GONZALO sips his player's drink.) (GONZALO sips his player's drink.) GRACE Trip, you see, your fetish for all things European is making our friend very uncomfortable! (GONZALO sips his player's drink.) (GONZALO sips his player's drink.) TRIP Goddammit, Grace, this was supposed to be our second honeymoon! GRACE What? Gonzalo, Trip is absolutely exaggerating, it was simply a weekend getaway, that's all. -- (interrupted) GONZALO nah man i feel good (GONZALO sips his player's drink.) (GONZALO sips his player's drink.) TRIP Yeah, uhh -- no, uhh -- I just wanted us to spend time together! (GONZALO puts down a player's drink.) GRACE All those business trips of yours to Europe must have done something to you. TRIP uhh!!!! GRACE You know, ever since we got married, I can't help it, I'm forever buying new furniture and redecorating, GONZALO oh shit im fucked up (Trip sips his Trip's drink.) GRACE Hey -- -- (interrupted) GRACE wait -- GRACE did you -- GRACE did you take out the garbage, liked I asked you to? TRIP What? The -- the garbage? GRACE Yes, did you take out the garbage under the kitchen sink? TRIP Yeah. GRACE Oh, alright, good, I just wanted to make sure you hadn't forgotten that. GRACE So I normally like redecorating... GRACE Gonzalo, now be honest with me, agree that this room just does not work! TRIP Grace, come on, what are you talking about? GONZALO i mean its kinda bland TRIP Ah, right, right, TRIP Gonzalo, of course you like it! TRIP See Grace you have no reason to complain -- there's just nothing to complain about. GRACE (annoyed sigh) GONZALO theres no textures TRIP No, no no no no no, you've got to understand, Grace loves expensive furniture, she was totally spoiled growing up, TRIP you should see the inside of her parents house. GRACE I'm sure I can return most of this, and try to start over again on this room... GONZALO theres only like GRACE Ah, thank you, I knew you'd give me an honest answer -- TRIP Uhh, it's just decorating for Christ's sake, you're turning this into some big issue -- GONZALO two pieces of furniture GRACE You know, Trip, if you hadn't convinced me to go into advertising, I could have painted that painting on the wall instead of buying it! TRIP (short petulant sigh) TRIP Yeah and with our income cut in half, we'd be living in some basement apartment in Queens, as if you could ever handle that... GONZALO but you DID paint TRIP Uhh, let's not talk about the damn decorating anymore... -- (interrupted) GONZALO grace does paint GRACE (happy but tense sigh) GRACE Gonzalo, GRACE you and I are getting along so well tonight... GRACE Stay there for a moment... (Grace sips her Grace's drink.) GRACE I want your opinion. Stay there. GRACE Ugh, I'm getting so tired of looking at this god awful armoire. GONZALO ok GRACE Y -- yeah, well, stay there, I want your opinion... -- (interrupted) GRACE Maybe if I replaced it with... um... TRIP Do you... do you remember, Grace... GRACE What. TRIP How I proposed to you. GRACE Oh, God, Trip -- TRIP Here, Gonzalo, I'll show you. TRIP It was at Grace's parents' house, Christmas, senior year of college -- GONZALO you need patrick to go with sponge GRACE Trip, what are you doing?! TRIP I got on one knee, in front of everybody, and -- GRACE Stop it, Trip! TRIP I pulled out a diamond ring -- GRACE Trip! GONZALO ahh my cock TRIP And I said, Grace, will you marry me? TRIP Heh, is -- is that romantic or what?! GONZALO no GRACE Thank you! TRIP What? I -- GRACE See, Trip, not everyone thinks being proposed to like that is so romantic. GRACE I don't know where you get your ideas. TRIP Gonzalo, TRIP Grace, come on, what could be more romantic than that? GRACE Gonzalo, I'm sorry, you didn't need to see that -- GONZALO you gotta go above and beyond TRIP Grace! GRACE Trip, you're being a real bore tonight, let's just forget about it, okay? TRIP (big frustrated sigh) GRACE (clears throat) GRACE Oh God, I can't take anymore of this! TRIP Ahh, no, I can't take anymore! TRIP Goddamn romantic... wedding proposal... TRIP I try to reach out to you, I try to be romantic with you, but you're cold, and distant! I do, I really try! -- (interrupted) GONZALO where is the music coming from TRIP What, what's that, what are you saying, what? GRACE (impatient sigh) Gonzalo, can you believe this? GRACE (frustrated sigh) TRIP Uh huh, you... TRIP I can guess what you're about to say... TRIP The way you obsess about my little brass bull, Jesus. GONZALO i know, its aunty donna TRIP Okay, yeah yeah, I hear you, alright? -- (interrupted) GRACE My goddamn parents... GRACE I wish you would just be yourself! Ever since I've known you, you resist just being yourself! TRIP Oh, come on...! GRACE Okay, you know what, Gonzalo, GRACE I'm going to ask you something. TRIP Grace -- GRACE Trip, let me ask our guest a question. GRACE Gonzalo, yes or no... GRACE Do you think it's _wrong_ for one person in a marriage to listen _too much_ to the other? TRIP What? GRACE To trust your husband or wife too much, to rely on them too much? Is that wrong? -- (interrupted) GONZALO eh not really? GRACE What...?! GRACE Oh, alright... yes... GRACE Goddammit! How can I be happy when you act this way, Trip? Huh? I'm miserable! TRIP Oh, come on...! TRIP Yeah, go on, get out of my face! TRIP I can't even frigging look at you. TRIP Goddammit, Grace! GONZALO the monke speaks to me TRIP What are you saying? What? GRACE What, Trip? Are you trying to talk to me? GONZALO he knows all TRIP What's it to you? TRIP Gonzalo, this is not normal, this has never happened. TRIP uhh... GONZALO nothing is normal GRACE Gonzalo, (annoyed sigh) Trip is sometimes so... TRIP Oh, we're talking about me, are we? GRACE What? GONZALO oh the beegees GRACE Gonzalo, it's time that Trip finally just admits that our marriage -- TRIP Grace, don't, no, you don't need to -- GRACE Admits that our marriage is not -- TRIP Stop it, stop it! (annoyed sigh) (GONZALO picks up a Trip's drink.) GRACE Uhh...! God...! (GONZALO sips his Trip's drink.) (GONZALO sips his Trip's drink.) (GONZALO sips his Trip's drink.) (GONZALO sips his Trip's drink.) (GONZALO sips his Trip's drink.) TRIP Look, let's not focus on just me or you, let's talk about us both. (GONZALO sips his Trip's drink.) (GONZALO sips his Trip's drink.) (GONZALO sips his Trip's drink.) (GONZALO sips his Trip's drink.) (GONZALO sips his Trip's drink.) GRACE You know what's so annoying, is when you pretend to be all 'romantic'! (GONZALO sips his Trip's drink.) (GONZALO puts down a Trip's drink.) TRIP What...? GRACE Trip, it is such an act! TRIP Oh my God... Gonzalo, what... -- (interrupted) GONZALO mmmm thats the good stuff GRACE Yes? TRIP Grace, I'm not 'acting' when I'm being romantic... God damn...! GRACE (frustrated sigh) GONZALO got damn TRIP Gonzalo, if there's something about me, just tell me what it is! GONZALO its that tacky shirt GRACE Let's keep talking about us, our relationship. TRIP It's so annoying... Grace, why is it that anytime I want to do something nice for you, you resist it? GRACE Trip... TRIP Like I always have to convince you? GRACE Gonzalo, you know, we... uhh... -- (interrupted) GONZALO why is the world warping TRIP Why? TRIP Ah, thank you, just saying that helps! GRACE Trip, maybe if you didn't try to 'convince' me of things, I might want them more...?! TRIP Oh, Christ. GRACE Trip, can't you see, it's the way you speak, the way you talk to me...! TRIP What, I'm not allowed to be angry? GRACE You tell me what to do, you don't listen. TRIP Gonzalo, -- (interrupted) GONZALO classic yellow TRIP See, I'm the one trying to reach out to you, Grace... GRACE Uhh... TRIP Look, I think we should focus on Grace. TRIP Grace, I don't think you really do want us to quit our jobs, lead a simpler lifestyle. -- (interrupted) (GONZALO picks up a trinket 1.) GRACE All this stuff... mmm... Having all this money makes us so happy. We're so happy, aren't we Trip? (GONZALO puts down a trinket 1.) TRIP Jesus, what do you want! Now you're unhappy because we're too well off? (GONZALO picks up a trinket 1.) (GONZALO puts down a trinket 1.) TRIP Gonzalo, isn't it -- isn't that ridiculous? (GONZALO picks up a trinket 3.) (GONZALO puts down a trinket 3.) TRIP Well, I mean, Grace, what do you want? GRACE Nothing! I want nothing! GONZALO ok so GONZALO either of you single? TRIP You know... uhh... TRIP Let's keep our focus on Grace. GRACE Damn it, Trip, you and my parents are always planning these stupid trips I have to go on.. TRIP They're vacations! Expensive ones at that! GONZALO what if both of you are the problem GRACE Of course -- (interrupted) TRIP Ah! GRACE What? Gonzalo, you're saying I'm to blame? GRACE What? GONZALO no TRIP See, Grace, you're the one turning this -- (interrupted) GRACE No? GRACE Oh, thank God you disagree, that helps! GRACE See, Trip, deep down, I've always been an artist. TRIP (little sigh) GONZALO i knew it TRIP Grace, even though you're now a creative director at work, TRIP the truth is... you're not an artist. GRACE Uhh...! TRIP I'm sorry, you're not. GRACE Gonzalo, uhh... GONZALO i mean technically she could be TRIP No? GRACE Ah, thank you, you disagree, that might just help him! GRACE See, Trip, you have no idea what an artist is. TRIP Look, let's not focus on just me or you, let's talk about us both. GONZALO if shes an artist, then i am GRACE Trip, you just pretend to like all this stuff... fancy cigars, and fine wine... -- (interrupted) TRIP Aha! GRACE See, Gonzalo, all this time, I just can't stop thinking that I should have been painting! TRIP Why don't you just do it then? TRIP Be a goddamn artist already. What are you afraid of, Grace? GRACE Well, but... Gonzalo, I... I... uhh... GONZALO theres nowhere TO paint GRACE Uhh, this painting, well... mmm... see, all I really wanted was something personal and, uh... beautiful and special... TRIP Grace... GRACE But I just... mmm... no, I -- I just get so depressed and angry when I look at it! TRIP Jesus...! GONZALO well GRACE Okay, goddammit, I can't do this anymore, just stop! GRACE Gonzalo, I know what you're trying to hint at... GRACE about me... GRACE about art... GRACE Do you really want the honest truth? Huh? GONZALO yes GRACE Trip, huh? TRIP Yes...! GRACE See, Gonzalo, I've been listening carefully to what you've been saying tonight. GRACE You've been pushing me tonight. GRACE It makes me wonder if you're really my friend...? TRIP Grace! GRACE Gonzalo, come on -- yes or no... GRACE Do you really think that... GRACE criticizing me... GRACE telling me to make art... GRACE and worst of all, GRACE telling me I'm to blame... GRACE and what you said about listening too much to your spouse... GRACE that all that is supposed to help me understand something about myself? GRACE Is it supposed to add up to something meaningful, or... what? GONZALO yes GRACE Right. GRACE I painted this. TRIP Bullshit. GRACE I am an artist, Trip, fuck you. GONZALO did i get the same ending TRIP You've been secretly painting? When -- GRACE Everytime you go on a goddamn business trip, I paint. GRACE So don't EVER give me any more of your 'you could never be an artist' crap!! TRIP Jesus -- GRACE uhh... GONZALO wheres the easel TRIP uhh... TRIP Jesus...! GRACE Gonzalo, I -- TRIP I'm going to give you the truth too, Grace. GRACE What?! TRIP Grace, I know you want to be an artist. TRIP But I could never be married to you if you were. GRACE What? TRIP I can't... I -- I just can't... GRACE But Trip -- TRIP When I married you, see, I was sure I could convince you to give it up, to -- to go into advertising. GRACE Uhh... TRIP And -- and I did it, and it worked. TRIP But now... I -- I don't know, Grace... TRIP (big sigh) I don't know... GRACE uhh... GRACE Oh my God...! TRIP Okay, Gonzalo, Grace, I have one more thing to say... GRACE Again?! TRIP Grace... TRIP uhh... TRIP I forced you to marry me, didn't I. TRIP When I proposed to you, in front of your parents, on Christmas Eve, and... TRIP I knew you wouldn't be capable of saying no. GONZALO this feels uncanny without music GRACE You manipulated me. TRIP Yes. GRACE And I never did anything about it. GRACE And here we are. TRIP uhh... GRACE uhh... GRACE Oh my God...! GRACE This changes everything... TRIP Yeah. TRIP You... you really have to be an artist... GRACE You finally admitted it -- you just don't want me to be an artist... TRIP I manipulated you into marrying me... GRACE No, I -- I let it happen... TRIP Gonzalo, I -- GRACE Gonzalo, we... TRIP Look, we -- we need to talk... GRACE Yeah. TRIP Gonzalo, Thanks for coming over, you... I think you helped us. GONZALO did i get the best ending (Trip opens the front door.) TRIP And no, Gonzalo, you don't need to say anything more... GONZALO i did GRACE Bye. Thanks. GONZALO adios brochachos (Trip closes the front door.) (GONZALO points to the elevator button.) (GONZALO points to the elevator button.)